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就先不给您发邮件了 如果接下来的分析有问题再说
TIP1：在第一段指出你的总论点，你是同意还是反对这个论点。 之前可以有铺垫，背景引入zd 但是不要太长。
TIP2： 如上面所说 如果要让步 必须把让步比例调整好 对方观点的优势只需要略述，主要是否定这个好处的重要性 和证明自身观点。
TIP3：例子不够具体，论证过于空洞，留学专考试的所有作文题目（雅思，托福，sat）都是以具体的例子支撑每一个分论点，这样才有说服力。因为这些题目都是比较日常的话题，论证根本不需要那么多字数，还是把与分论点相关联的例子给出，并指出其与分论点的逻辑联系
以上是格式 和内容上的问题 还有就是输入，感觉您应该练习一下电子文档的键入方法，断句 空格 单词 等等
我主要是杀托福和属SAT的 雅思的评分标准我不大知道，如果放到托福写作里，这个文章能打个18分左右，高了给不了， 折合成比例，就是大概60%左右 当然评分标准可能不一样
你套用了作文的惯用格式，或许百是看过如何写作文的相关的书。但是度格式之外，谈到内容的时侯，里问面错误较多，也没有太多出彩的句子。而且雅答思考官看这种段落式文章较多了，回你还是需要再放些自己的点睛答语言进去才能得到高分的。
Zoos, hame to a variaty wild animals, has been around for thousands of years in one form or anther.
Hame带有贬义，最好用中性的词。另外，Zoo以前是没有的。。不存在什么有了几千年的说法
However, as more people are becoming aware of the surffering of zoo animals, zoos have been finding it increasingly hard to justify their existance.
如果你写的赞成zoo，不要开头写的全是zoo的不好吧
be aware of, 不用becoming。
zoons have been founding -- zoons have found it is ...
Some zoo keepers considered that a zoo is a conservational, educational and recreational place.Zoos help to preserve endanger animals from becoming extinct.
considered - consider
第一句可以改进为consider that a zoo servers multiple purpose such as education, recreation and animal preservation.
help - helps
endanger是动词，用endangerd.eg, Zoos can save endangered animals from the edge of extinction
Their have veterinarians, who can help injurd or sick animals. And zoos can offer the animals blance diets, including necessary medicines. That is to say, animals can enjoy a good living condition and professional health care.
Their have -- there are, there be 结果表示 有
the animals - animals
balance - balanced
That is to say - In other words
a good - beter
condition - conditions
They convinced, if some endanger animals liveing in the wild, they must be died out rapidly.
They are convinced that these endangered species will dispear rapidly if they live in the wild.
Then, zoos provide us places to study the natural world and educate the public, espicially our children. Moreover, it is an important source of scientify knowledge. Zoos also give our pleasure and enjoyment.
Then - Further / Moreover / On ther other hand, 句子之间的逻辑连接很少用then
scientify - science
give our - provide us with
It does not only tell us save animals from extinction is just protect ourselves, but also leave us amazement and fond memories.
save animals from extinction is just protect ourselves
这个从句save 和 is出现了2个谓语，具体应该是is是真正的谓语，所以save要变分词 saving
just 非常口语，不应该在书面语中出现
protect - protecting
But at meanwhile, some animal-rights activists argure that we should shutdown all the zoos and ban to keep animals in cages.
at 去掉
activist - advocator
argure - argue
ban to keep - stop/prohibit people from keeping
They say, captive life in zoos is derimental to animals' well-being. Animals suffer psychological distress, offen displayed by abnormal or self-destructive behavior.
In addition, maintaining zoos is costly and luxurious,they point out, we should use the limited funds to improve people's welfare instead of waste on afflicting animals.
point out that 不用逗号
waste - wasting them
I perfer to leave zoos in our lefe even a captive life may do some harm to animals' mental. Some animals really need our help or they will disappear in our plant. I think we could build some preserve zones and not let animals live in cages. It would release the anxiety of animal-rigets protectors. So, I firmly belive that zoos will still exist.
plant - planet
release - relief
IELTS主要看1论点逻辑是否正确2句子段落衔接是否顺畅3词汇语法是否正确
你的语法词汇，还有衔接都需要加强，多看看单词的书
还有你7a64e58685e5aeb9365句子的谓语经常出现2个或者以上，这个也是语法的大问题
Due to rapid social and economic development in the past few decades, an increasing number of people are beginning to feel job stress affecting both their physical and mental health. There is convincing evidence that job stress is linked to many illnesses, whether major or minor. It results in severe health problems such as depression, heart disease and even death in extreme cases. Hence, people are becoming more conscious about coping with ocupational stress.
Stress at work may originate from a range of sources. These include job demands, the working environment, working hours, the boss, job insecurity and salary. The first factor is an excessive and demanding workload beyond employees' ability to handle. This results in employees having to extend their working hours, usually without overtime pay nor bonus.
Another reason is the management style. In some companies, there is a lack of workers' involvement in decision-making and family-friendly policies. Poor interpersonal relationships also lead to stress. The most common situations we encounter would be those in which colleagues become victims of office politics.
Finally, job insecurity contributes to job stress, especially in recent years. The global financial crisis, which has resulted in massive job layoffs and pay cuts, makes employees anxious and fearful about their own future prospects.
It is impossible to avoid and escape work-related stress. However, we can take measures to relieve pressure from work and learn to manage stress effectively. Firstly, employees need improve their time-management skills and sharpen their communication skills. This means that they should learn how to prioritize different tasks and build amicable relationships with their co-workers. Secondly, physical exercise is a great stress reducer. It is well-known that a healthy mind resides in a healthy body. Excellent physical health makes one feel and think better. As far as management is concerned, managers should be more sensitive to work-family needs and help create a more enjoyable and harmonious workplace.
In conclusion, it is clear that stress at work is an impactful phenomenon that should not be overlooked. I am convinced that becoming aware of stressors and learning to deal with them would put us on the right track for a more rewarding career and healthier lifestyle.
英文语法上的一些小问题我大概帮你改了，让文章更顺畅一些，应该正确。
整体来说你的文章其实是不错的，因为你要表达的意思我都能理解，而且用了一些不错的词汇。当然还是有可以加强的地方，比如说内容，主题说用你的知识和经验举例说明。你可以提说"我在职场上看到X先生一向怎样怎样，但是因为工作压力大变得怎样怎样"(作文可以瞎编，不一定有此人，哈哈。)或者举些新闻或众所周知的名人例子，好像"某某明星因为工作压力大，得了忧郁症。。。"用这种名人例子会比瞎编的好些，因为比较有真实性。
还有一些东西跟你说一下:
"first"和"primary"通常不放在一起用。
"first"是:"首先"我要讲解什么什么。。。
"primary"是:"主要"
所以除非你有几个主要原因要讲解，才说第一主因，第二主因。。。可是你解释每个原因都有点短，所以我改成"first"了。其实你可以只举3大原因，每一点讲解多一些会好过很多点但都只是粗略带过。
"costly"是昂贵的意思，这里好像不太适合用，因为你没有提到关于压力和费用的关系。
"epidemic"(这是正确spelling)指"瘟疫"。压力不是疾病，所以我改成"phenomenon"(趋势、趋向)。
说了很多，是希望对你有帮助，而不是故意挑毛病的。加油!636f7079e799bee5baa6361:)